Sunday, December 16, 2012

Plaguing Thoughts

Some thoughts have been plaguing my mind lately, thoughts that I have written about before.  I tend to have these thoughts anytime the Lord has blessed me with something good.  I had these thoughts when I got my first real good-paying job.  I had these thoughts when I got married.  And now that I am 15 weeks pregnant, I am having them again.  As you can tell, these thoughts usually surface after I have received something that I have wanted, prayed for, and waited for for usually quite a long period of time.  These thoughts are thoughts of doubt and unbelief that the Lord has actually given me something that I had decided that He was never going to give me, which if you read back to my first posting is one of the main reasons for the name of this blog.  And a big part of me wonders if any of you out there are ever plagued with these thoughts.  

In some ways these thoughts are good because most of the time they lead me to immense thankfulness for these good gifts the Lord has given me.  They usually lead me straight to him.  But in a different way these thoughts are frustrating for a couple reasons.  The most frustrating reason to me is that prior to receiving these good gifts, I had decided that I as was not meant to have them.  I decided that the hard road was always meant for me.  I had decided for the Lord how the Lord was going to treat me, his child.  You would think that after all this time and all these good gifts He has given me that I would recognize the fallacy of my thinking, but still sometimes I think I know my destiny.  How silly?!  Another reasons they are frustrating is that occasionally these thoughts have led to fear, fear of what the future may hold, fear that in the future the Lord is going to take away these good gifts that I had decided I was never meant to have.  The fear that sometimes plagues me today is that I will have another miscarriage, but this time the miscarriage will be well into my pregnancy.  There are other fears that sometimes plague my mind, but it is unwise to expound upon them all.  Despite my explanation of my occasional fear, the Lord has been kind to keep them far from my mind on a daily basis.  These fearful thoughts occur, and the Lord is so quick to remind me of his good sovereignty over my life.  He is quick to cause me to think that if these fears do come to fruition, that that is the best thing for me.  

I guess what these thoughts all boil down to is a lack of trust in the good God who created everything and continues to hold all things together, which of course is sin.  Why is it that I think I can lean on my my own understanding, when clearly scripture tells me not to (Proverbs 3.5).  And in Proverbs 3.7, scripture goes on to tell us not to be wise in our own eyes, but turn away from evil.  So, my prayer for myself is that I would ultimately trust the Lord in all things, in the giving and taking away of good gifts.  I want to be found trusting in the Lord, not my own "wisdom", in all things.  

Ps.  I'm going to stop apologizing for not blogging consistently enough and go with it when the Lord gives the time and the thoughts.  

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